LIFE ON LOCKDOWN - 2020

MARCH | APRIL | MAY

MARCH: CHILL OUT MATE

I am that person who during lockdown gets dressed every day puts on makeup and works through her to do list. My list started at one page of to-dos and somehow has gone up to two pages. Right now I'm at 56 things to do before this lockdown ends. 56! I don't know if thats good or bad. I might be overdoing it, but you know what, since none of us knows how long this lockdown is going to last, let me keep myself busy...

The whole country is banged up behind their front doors isolating themselves from Covid-19 AKA Coronavirus. I know one person who has it and she knows two people who have it. Today I think I have it. My breathing is shallow, I have a warm forehead and I have developed a dry ticklish cough. I was up at 6.15 am and got straight down to tidying up. I mopped the floors, did the vacuuming, folded the heap of clothes that has been in the corner for the last week. Packed away all my makeup kit into the suitcase and basically was done housekeeping stuff by 9.30 am.

I went over to Iceland food shop to get some eggs, some mince and some crisps but the doors were locked - although I could see customers lined up inside at the tills. I stood outside the store with some other people, a few of us knocking on the doors to be let in. The security guard came up to the door and slid it open a crack. He says they are only letting in people 'one in one out'. Well, I didn't have time for that. I turned on my heels and walked over to Sainsbury's, which really was no better. That shop was crazy busy. It felt like 6 pm on a Christmas Eve.

LOO PAPER- DEFICIT

Sainsbury's food shelves were empty. No pasta, no flour, no eggs and definitely no loo paper. I don’t know what the obsession with grabbing as much toilet paper as you can is about, but while people are out here grabbing loo roll I'm stocking up on Ben and Jerry's ice cream as Sainsbury's has them on sale. I want to see how many tubs I can load into my basket without being stopped (4 as it turns out).

Everybody's basket / trolly was packed full of food and

people were racing around like the store was about to close. It wasn't. The queues at the tills were long and winding and even though we've been instructed by the government to keep our distance when out in public, the people in Sainsbury's are all up in each others grills.

Ahead of me, at the self checkout, I noticed a woman in a heavy black coat sweating like there was no tomorrow. Her face was all sheen. I looked around me to see if anyone one else had noticed. I guess not. Only me being vigilant then? She had redness around her nose and she looked to me like someone who was suffering from something. Immediately I felt uncomfortable. I tried all the tactics I could to stall myself so I didn't have to go to her self checkout counter, but as I was next the shop assistant waved me forward as the sweaty customer left and I stupidly walked over. I should have stood my ground but I didn't. I got to the self checkout and held my breath like my life depended on it, which lets face it, it does, and I pressed the touch screen checkout with my knuckles. Since then I've been feeling unwell.

Is this our life now? Holding our breath, panicking at red noses, avoiding people ? I guess so.

At home I broke into a sweat which could have just been a regular hot flash, but I am convinced it is the early stages of the Coronavirus (it's not). But that's the thing about all this TV coverage and panic buying. You may not have the virus but you can easily convince yourself like me - you have it. I will give it 24 hours and see if this ticklish cough is because my asthma is flaring up because I was dusting and cleaning like a maniac this morning or if my damp forehead is because I am in the throws of the meno.

For effs sake.

GOVERNMENT ORDER - WASH YOUR HANDS

So the government is going on about hand-washing. I am not sure why we need a virus or a government sanctioned PSA to tell us to wash our hands. I was raised on hand washing. I was taught if you go outside when you come back inside, you wash your hands.

If you go to the bathroom same. If you’ve spent time in a line shaking hands like the queen, same thing, wash your hands after. If you handle the newspaper or money, dip your hands in water with soap. Cough sneeze and have your hands anywhere near your mouth, wash them.

I thought hand washing was standard etiquette.o it is a little bewildering we have a whole news presentation on it every evening. But judging by the spread of this thing people need had washing etiquette

APRIL : CELEBRITIES... DON'T JUST SHOW ME YOUR ABS... DO SOMETHING!

Rita Ora Sunbathing in a bikini during the pandemic — Rita O' abs 'n all

During this Coronavirus lockdown most celebrities are having to admit what ordinary folks already know. That real life is sitting at home when you want to be out. It’s thinking about what you are going to have for dinner based on what you've got in the fridge.

It's cooking dinner and cleaning up after yourself and it's hoovering your own damn carpet. It's sitting on the couch at 6pm and wondering, 'Now what am I going to do?'. It’s pacing up and down the room with nothing else to do but that.

It’s thinking who can I call and realising that outside of your bestie and your family you haven’t been nurturing your friendship circle because you’ve been too busy.

Or worse you don’t have a friendship circle outside of the people you work with and now that there is no work because of the lockdown you really don’t have anyone to talk to and if you do make a call to your work circle, you really don’t want to have to talk about work!

Some celebs are realising that a world exists outside of the one that has been created for them and that Covid doesn’t care about your privileged bubble. You cannot velvet rope Covid off. You cannot buy, spend your way out of, or island isolate yourself out of this pandemic. Some celebs are realising that outside of their ‘job’ they really aren’t much. They really have no life and nothing to say and so they continue to up load selfies of themselves in their bikinis with their abs on show because that’s all they have outside of work to keep our attention.

POST SOMETHING MEANINGFUL... please!

While regular folk need to magic up next months rent or worry while their loved ones are breathing through ventilators. A lot of celebs are desperate we don’t forget about them and thus continue to throw selfies at us. Notice how many celebrities are not using this time to just chill. They have to be in front of the camera. They have to be on.

Why don’t they write something poignant. Share something heartwarming. Anything, just stop performing. Just be still for a minute. Better still do something worth while. Give back to your local community. Don’t remind me to wash my hands. Donate a box of hand sanitiser to every household in your local area or low income area or women’s shelter. Maybe they are doing that, you say, maybe there are some celebs doing good silent work out there. Well I hope so, but while many people are stuck in houses with no back yard, no view, no income, lots of kids or family, or battling this quarantine alone - give us a break on your sun tan and swimming pool. Yes I’m speaking to you Rita O. When people are suffering and losing their lives, spare me a moment from pics of your bikini n' abs .

National Domestic Abuse Hotline — Victoria Derbyshire (BBC) helping somebody

Come up with a comedy sketch, make us laugh, make us feel good. Consider those who are struggling and would love to sunbathe in a garden, eat scrambled eggs off a china plate or just spend ten minutes with silence.

The actor John Krasinski has lightened the Covid mood with a You Tube show he started called Some Good News countering the endless bad news we are hearing every day. The BBC news anchor Victoria Derbyshire reached out to those who need help by printing the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on her hand.

That actually made me emotional. She has perspective. She knows we are not all at home bored, sick or sunbathing. She understands that some women, men or children during this lockdown are living in danger. In her own way she is educating us to the fact that two women a week are killed by their partner or an ex, and that during this lockdown there was a 25% increase in calls and requests for help and a 150% increase of online contact.

That's what I'm talking about. Celebs doing something. Thank you.

Incase you need it - National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 0808 2000 247

UPDATE - I didn't have the Coronovirus and I never got the Coronavirus ever. Not once, (prayer hands emoji, four leaf clover emoji).

MAY | WHEN YOU THOUGHT KIDS WERE THE PROBLEM

Teachers up and down the country are standing with their arms folded and their heads cock

ed to the side - they don't even have to say the words as it is all over their face.

'See...'

'You thought if was me didn't you. You thought I wasn't pulling my weight, you thought I had checked out or was being lazy. You didn't realise it was you, and your kid. You thought teaching was easy didn't you? You cursed my 6 weeks summer holiday and my easter breaks and my half terms. But now you know. Now that your kids are with you at your dining table waiting for your 'lesson' to start. You understand just how bloody hard it is being a teacher in todays world.

Are they focused? Are they listening to you? You've sat them down at the computer and you've gone for a coffee haven't you? Your kid is asking you questions you don't know the answer to. You are frustrated with them, they are frustrated with you. Your kiddo is focused on the tele and not on what you are trying to convey. Well that's what its like most days for the teachers in schools. Except they have 35 kids to contend with chatting, laughing, not focused, ignoring them, trying to build conversations with their friends in class instead of listening to the teacher.

So right now, teachers all around the country are sitting at the breakfast table feeling free and smug, smiling into their pot of yogurt shoulders shaking in a chuckle as they think about the time you blamed them for their kids low marks.

Not that easy is it.

JUNE

Forgodsakes lets just have some good news !!